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One thing that destroys trust in a relationship is when partners say one thing and do another. Or … they say one thing, but really mean something else. It’s so important for both partners to be honest with themselves and with each other. Sometimes, we may not know what we really mean, and maybe our partner can help us figure that out. That’s okay, too. The critical thing is for partners to do their best to be “true to their word” so that they can build a trusting relationship that both of them can count on.

In some relationships, partners use words to test each other. For example, in the heat of an argument, one will say: “That’s it! I’m out of here!” Or the word “divorce” is used repeatedly, most often as a threat to the other spouse or to manipulate the other so that we can have our way. Remember this: We can’t unring the bell!Words can do great damage to a relationship, and once said, it is impossible to take them back, even if we would do anything not to have said them. Testing each other’s love, commitment, patience, etc. rarely works; it usually only builds resentment and destroys trust.

Timing is Everything

The best time to discuss something with your spouse may not be exactly when you want to talk about it … for a variety of reasons. He or she may be tired (or not feeling well or distracted or in the middle of something else or just leaving or coming home, etc.) and not want to or be able to give you their full attention.

Although there are times when something has to be addressed immediately, most often we can be flexible in our timing and take into consideration what may be going on for our partner. Especially when it is likely to be an important and/or lengthy discussion, letting our spouse know that we want or need to talk about something and asking when might be a good time to do this sets a positive tone for the discussion. Together, you may want to set some guidelines (not answering the phone, for example) for the conversation. It is a good idea to plan, when possible, for a time when both of you can be attentive to the other and not be distracted.

Avoid Statements or Actions that Create Defensiveness

There are a variety of ways that we can unintentionally cause our partners to feel and behave defensively. When this happens, the discussion may end abruptly or escalate into an unwanted argument. If this happens repeatedly, it can eventually lead to a breakdown in communication in the couple relationship. There are several ways to avoid this:

• Avoid the use of absolutes: “You never talk to me anymore” “You always get angry with me!” “You’re late, as usual.”
• Avoid laundry lists in which you bring up everything you don’t appreciate about your partner’s behavior in one conversation (or sentence!). Stay focused and sensitive to your partner. You can be assertive without being aggressive.
• Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, instead of “You make me furious when you don’t call me and let me know you’ll be late coming home!”, you might say “When you don’t call me and let me know you’ll be late, I worry about you … or I get upset …” You can then make a request of your partner, such as: “and I’d like for you to call me when you are going to be late.”
• Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm is hurtful and it doesn’t help when its effects on our spouse are dismissed or discounted in any way. Statements like: “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting” are not only not helpful, they cause resentment and defensiveness in our partners.

Listening takes work. It is not the same as simply hearing what someone has to say. Sometimes we’re so busy planning what we’re going to say in response, that we aren’t really listening to what our partner has to say. Or … we think if we let our partner know we understand what they’re saying (and thinking, feeling, wanting, etc.) they will think we agree with them … but this isn’t true!

Listening well and letting our partner know we’ve heard them and understand what they’re saying makes them feel VISIBLE, VALUED and VALIDATED… and much more likely and willing to listen to us when it’s our turn. When we feel understood, we are far more open to hearing what our partner has to say.

Communicate with Respect

This may seem like a simple thing to do, but when we’re angry or frustrated with our spouse, or even just busy with something else, we sometimes forget to be kind and respectful to one another. How do we communicate respect for our partner and his or her feelings, thoughts? If you watch and listen to couples who are kind and respectful to each other, even in the midst of a heated discussion, you begin to observe the following behaviors:

• They listen without judgment.
• They avoid saying things like: “That’s ridiculous!” “You’re crazy!” “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” “That’s stupid!” “You don’t really feel that way”, etc. They don’t say things for the purpose of hurting, humiliating, shaming, or diminishing their partner … and if they unintentionally say something that does make their partner feel bad, they take responsibility for that and validate his or her feelings.
• They refrain from calling each other names.
• They don’t order each other around. They ask. They make requests.
• They avoid using things that their partner has shared with them in confidence (things that may make him/her feel vulnerable) against their partner at another time. (i.e. during an argument)
• They don’t make assumptions or mindread. See below for more on this.
• They don’t tell their partner why he or she is doing something. Usually when we do this, we are attributing a negative motivation to their behavior. “You didn’t remember my birthday on purpose!”
• They don’t get in their partner’s space/face and scream at him/her or in any other way try to intimidate their partner.
• They don’t mimic their partner or make fun of him or her.
• They don’t use humor/jokes as a way to belittle their partner.
• They are respectful of their partner both in front of others and while they’re alone.
• They think about what they’re going to say and the impact it will have.

Ask

Sometimes we think we know what our partner is feeling, thinking, wanting, needing, etc. when we really don’t. It’s amazing how often a husband or wife will say to the other: “You don’t know me at all!” It’s important that we not assume that we know what’s going on with our partner, but that we try to find out instead. It’s also important that we don’t feel or say: “If you really loved me, you’d know what I want … how I feel” … etc. We can never really be sure what another person is thinking or feeling.

We also can’t expect someone else to know how we feel loved and cared for. Most people try to show love and care for their partners in the ways that they themselves feel loved and cared for. We need to find out what makes our partner feel special, valued, loved, etc. This doesn’t take the romance out of a marriage … it does just the opposite!

Lack of meaningful and effective communication is the #1 complaint of most couples who come to me for counseling. Either the partners don’t have the skills, (After all … who teaches us how to communicate in an intimate relationship?) the skills they do have go out the window in the heat of an argument, they’ve reached the point where communication is “functional” (talking about what the kids are doing, what they’ll have for dinner, who’s going where and when) but not “intimate” (sharing feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc.), or they’ve given up even trying to discuss anything meaningful because doing so has led to repeated escalation, with no resolution of their conflicts. 

By the time many couples get to counseling, they are hurt, disappointed, exhausted, angry, overwhelmed and certainly, frustrated.

I believe that most marriages that end in divorce do so because the husband and wife are not communicating well. They don’t understand each other. And … after a while, they stop trying. But, it doesn’t have to be that way! I have seen dramatic changes in couples (their attitude towards each other, their general demeanor when they come back for their next session) after they learn some basic communication and conflict resolution skills and put them into practice, first in my office, then at home.

A skilled therapist/counselor or coach can see the negative patterns of communication that the couple doesn’t recognize (usually because they’ve become so entrenched in their style of relating to each other). Much of what I do in my practice is educational: in this case, after I discuss with clients my observations about their communication patterns, I begin teaching them more effective ways to communicate with each other.

If you and your partner/spouse are having problems communicating with one another, what I have written below may give you some food for thought and will hopefully, be helpful to you. Some couples can successfully learn healthier techniques on their own. However, most couples benefit from several sessions with a skilled couples counselor or coach to guide the process as they learn new ways of relating to each other.

We are always communicating

Even silence is a form (and a very powerful one!) of communication, but it can mean different things depending on the situation. It can mean we’re tired, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, etc. It can mean that we’ve shut down (whether purposefully or unintentionally) and are not taking in anything our partner has to say. So … how do we know what’s going on with our partner?

Honest, open communication sets the foundation for a “best friendship” and a happy, healthy marriage/relationship. It builds trust in the relationship and in each other. Most of us have to learn to communicate well, especially in relationships that mean a lot to us and in which we are very emotionally involved and vulnerable.

Healthy loving is creating opportunities to grow individually and together by making a continuing commitment to foster patience and kindness, and making conscious choices to respond to each other as lovers and friends.

Healthy loving is setting priorities in your life so that there is time to create a safe and intimate environment for the ongoing discovery of each other.

Healthy loving is appreciating, respecting, and valuing your partner’s thoughts and feelings, even when you don’t approve or agree with each other.

Healthy loving is encouraging your partner to grow as an individual even when you may feel threatened by their new directions. It is believing in them even when they don’t believe in themselves.

Healthy loving is being responsible and accountable for your own life; the degree to which you experience happiness, love, joy, and growth both for yourself and for your relationship.

Healthy loving is recognizing the need for playfulness, spontaneity, and providing pleasure for each other, thus creating moments that nurture, encourage, and support the relationship.

Healthy loving is choosing not to manipulate or control each other.

Healthy loving is recognizing that being open and vulnerable makes a relationship intimate and special. This requires a willingness to risk being hurt, rejected, and even feeling unloved.

Healthy loving is trusting your love for each other so you can see beyond anger, fear and disappointment and overcome the obstacles inherent in any loving relationship.

Healthy loving is recognizing that love is never enough. It is being willing to learn the skills that are necessary for nurturing and sustaining an intimate and mutually satisfying relationship.

Healthy loving is creative problem-solving through negotiation which leads to a mutually acceptable agreement. It is sharing in decision making and taking equal responsibility for the results.

Healthy loving is aspiring to live in truth and harmony. It is giving freely, receiving graciously, and being thankful, day after day, for the opportunity to be together.

The periods between the retrograde and direct stations are a time that the energy is held back, so it is a time to re-do, re-vise, and re-think. For example, with Mercury Rx, it’s a time to be internal, to do more inner thinking or revising. It’s time to think about yourself and the manner in which you think about the issues life and how you talk about them. It’s easy to blame others for what is going on in your life, that is called being external.

Now it’s time to see what these things say about you, that is called being internal. What we see in life is a mirror for who we are. Mercury Rx is also a time to rewrite, revise, and re-communicate with others. With a Mars Rx, you may notice that your energy is low, that it takes more effort to do new things, and effort and activity becomes a struggle.

Once the retrograde is over, you’ll notice that these matters are easier and you have the desire to pursue new things, but you may not be quite up to par. This has to do with the shadow phase. Once the shadow phase has completed you’ll be eager to go, and you’ll find you want to do things in a slightly new way.

The best retro advice I can give you is, don’t go out and start any new ventures involved with the planet until it’s over and the energy begins moving again, which is a few days after the retrograde, but some people may have to wait until the shadow phase is over. It depends on your chart.

However, life goes on and we can’t always avoid buying things, traveling, or making deals in a retrograde. It is possible that you are supposed to go through problems that are created in a retrograde to learn something. If you are open and willing to learn, the problems will be resolved. If the retrograde is not affecting your chart, a problem is not caused by the retrograde.

The shadow phenomena is the reason many people feel a retrograde way before it starts, and this is why those who are affected by shadows still have problems after the retrograde. Some people are affected even more by a retrograde if the planet is retrograde in their natal chart, but some have an easier time.

To determine how each retrograde will affect you consider what the planet symbolizes, where it’s located in your chart and the aspects it makes both by transit, progression and in the natal chart. If the planet is making good aspects in your chart, you should have an easy time. If the aspects are difficult, be prepared and watch what you do.

What it all boils down to is that some people sail through a retrograde and others have a heck of a time; to figure it out get your chart done.

To illustrate the retrograde, I will use the planet Mars as an example. This explanation can be applied to the other planets as well, the only difference will be the events. Mercury affects communication; Venus affects relationships and money; Mars brings events such as fires and war; Jupiter affects religion, philosophy and foreigners; Saturn affects structure and authority and brings loss and delays; Uranus brings unexpected, rebellious events, Neptune brings disillusion and fantasy, as well as visions and mysticism, and Pluto brings destruction of those things that no longer serve us.

Go back in time to the middle ages. You are the court astrologer for a famous warrior king. You have noticed that the planet Mars has been acting odd; it has been slowing down and sort of hanging over the castle. In the past, this has always been a sign of war. You fear dire things are ahead, but the king is ill, confined to his bed, the second in charge is away, and you fear that the castle will soon be besieged. The slowing down of Mars, a warning phase, is the shadow phase.

You keep looking at the sky, and about six weeks later, you see that Mars has stopped moving. You and the inhabitants of the castle are like sitting ducks, no one has listened to you, and sure enough, there is an army of invaders outside the gates. When Mars stops in the sky this is the station retrograde.

A few days later Mars starts to move again, but in the other direction. The invaders now start moving toward the castle, and you feel helpless; you have to convince everyone to do the best they can to hold back the invaders, and you retreat further into the castle away from the invaders. This backward movement is called the retrograde.

Let’s move ahead in time. The invaders have been trying to storm the castle for over two months. The King is now yelling and cursing, especially at you, saying he will chop off your head if things don’t change. You keep telling him that the problems will soon be over. Once again you have noticed that Mars is slowing down, this is the signal that it’ll soon go back to normal. Mars fulfilled its promise, everything was held back; the invaders weren’t repelled, but they didn’t get in, but now they have brought in a battering ram. The heat is on, and the battle is getting intense.

A few nights’ later you go up on the ramparts and notice that Mars has finally stopped; it’s just sitting there. This is the station direct. The retrograde phase is over, the tables are about to turn. Sure enough, off in the far distance you see the allies of the king coming to rescue him, just in time. The invaders are rooted out, and your head is safe for now.

Now all there is to do is to clean up the mess, heal the wounded, speed the recovery of the king with new supplies and medicines, and repair the damage to the castle. This is the second shadow phase, and when this is over the success of military maneuvers will resume without struggle. That is the end of the retrograde and the war.

The dog days of summer, the hottest and muggiest days of the year in the northern hemisphere, occur between July 3 and August 11, while some say it is mid-July to early September. Why do we call them dog days? Because at this time, the constellation Canis Major, or the big dog, appears overhead in the sky. The name has been taken from “Canicularesdies” used by ancient astronomers. In the constellation, Canis Major, is the star “Sirius”, one of the brightest stars in the summer sky, meaning “seropis” or “scorching” in Greek.

The Egyptians eagerly awaited Sirius for it brought the flooding of the Nile, and fresh soil, good crops, but it was also a difficult time, a time of heat, stagnation, inactivity, and disease. They considered it a time of evil, and superstitions were passed down generation to generation. Until recently in England, Magistrates required dogs to be muzzled during this time.

But there is another event that is signaled by the dog days. For space age enthusiasts it is the time of a stargate, and for those who love the esoteric, it is a portal. Esotericists believe this is the portal through which our universe attracts all energy as it is being pulled in by the Ultimate Attractor, the Goddess. It is said that the Vortex of Sirius was closed down over 90,000 years ago, but it was not fully closed down, for a trickle of energy always comes through, and now the portal opens for a short time once every year on July 23rd, when the Sun is in Leo. If it had been shut off, the universe would have ceased.

The Sun conjuncts Sirius around July 5th paving the way for the opening of the Sirius vortex  on July 23. Take advantage of it by meditating on Sirius, or just think about it. Be open to the evolutionary energy coming through the vortex.